How I Deal with Life.....

How I Deal with Life.....

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Fiftieth Birthday Manifesto

 I am fifty years old today and from this day forward I am allowed to do the following:

  1. Tell certain people in WalMart that they are ugly and need to stop wearing their pajamas out in public
  2. Get old lady hair (although I’m not quiet certain how one “gets” old lady hair..  maybe it just springs from the hair follicles after the 50th).
  3. Remind those underwear showing teen boys to pull their damn pants up..and do not even give me that look, young man.
  4. Smile smugly (I love alliteration) when I see a young mother struggling to pry her screaming children away from the Coca Puffs in the supermarket.
  5. Stop pretending that I like plain active yeast yogurt. I hate that crap. I don’t care if it’s good for me or not.
  6. Cancel my subscription to Cosmopolitan. Who cares that there are twenty-five new sexual positions that will get my man revved?
  7. Start drinking a bottle of red wine every evening because it’s “good for the heart”.
  8. Speaking of wine: Start drinking the really good, expensive wine because wine drinking after a certain age is considered sophisticated. A lot has changed since I used to drink Boone’s Farm and then puke in the backseat of my boyfriend’s car.
  9. Walk past the tampon/maxi pad aisle in the drugstore and never have to visit it again…
  10.  Wear false eyelashes on a daily basis (where in the hell did my real lashes go anyway?)

That’s it. Like my good friend Martha Jean would say, “That’s the list.” Viva la FIFTY!!!!

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