How I Deal with Life.....

How I Deal with Life.....

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Divorce Wars (Personal Essay)

A writer acquaintance posted on Facebook today asking for women to post their most hilarious non-violent divorce revenge stories.  She says it’s “research” for a book, but if her husband’s belongings show up in an EVERYTHING MUST GO FOR $1.00 sale, we’ll know why this certain research was needed.
            The varying revenge stories were quite unique and creative. One woman calmly asked her ex to stop texting, phoning, writing her letters begging her to come back to him. The REALLY bad part? The NEW girlfriend was standing right there when she asked. Another woman said she put in a change of address for her ex husband at the post office and had all his mail forwarded to a vacant house.
            Tonight I was relating these revenge stories to my friend, Scott. He proceeded to tell me about a woman (who shall remain nameless) who became so angry at her soon-to-be-ex that she repeatedly crashed her car over and over into his house trailer- I do live in the South- until the trailer physically left the foundation.  Pissed off lady, I’d say. I hope she had some damn good car insurance, and he had damn good.. uh..… trailer insurance.
            I am a woman, but women can be evil creatures. We will carry a grudge for years, and no one can talk us out of it. There’s a reason I don’t have a lot of close women friends. They are devious as hell. A woman’s mode of thinking is somewhat like this: “I have been wronged and the scales must be balanced, even if I have to break my neck doing it”. Why?
            True confession here, and one I am not proud of (Husband of Thirteen Years, if you are reading this, stop now).  When Husband of Thirteen Years and I split up, I sold his heater for $50.00. Not just any heater, but a MASSIVE kerosene blower heater used on construction jobs. I sold that sucker, and when Husband of Thirteen Years asked me about it, I naturally feigned complete innocence and ignorance about said heater. I really don’t think he believed me, but that was back in 1996. If there is any statue of limitations for selling an ex’s property for far less than its value, I think it’s come and gone. And no, Husband of Thirteen Years, I will not give you that $50.00. I spent it on gas. It’s gone. And I think I may have cut a few of your shirts with a pair of scissors too, but they were old shirts. And I was a lot younger and a lot more passionate in my anger back then.
            My Give-a-Shitter broke years ago, thank Buddha and anyone else responsible for the breakage of my Give-a-Shitter. I have calmed down considerably. If all that divorce stuff were to happen today I would probably just sigh and then go back to reading my book.  I don’t have the energy for revenge anymore. I'm tired. Maybe that’s what getting older means: we’re too tired to fight over much of anything. Leave all that craziness to the young ones who haven’t learned that none of it will matter in thirty years anyway. Why waste a good hour or two on fighting, arguing, getting revenge, or destroying property? I could be taking a nap.  Bet Dear Husband will be happy to read this entry.

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