The
door slams. Footsteps echo through the house
Hollis glances up from his place at the kitchen table where a lit
cigarette has burned down into a stub in the red tin ashtray. How much time has
passed?
He feels someone staring at him. It's his wife, Mary.
"You been sitting there since I
left?"
"Nope", Hollis murmurs.
"Yes, you have. You haven't moved an
inch". Mary has the worn look of a
woman who carries a day-to-day burden on her shoulders, and this burden has
been much too heavy for either of them.
"Well, maybe I haven't."
"Oh, Hollis" Mary sighs. "I
ain't faulting you none. This isn't what...".
Hollis stands and pushes the chair back,
"I don't want to talk about it."
He shrugs his thinning frame into the jacket
resting on the back of one of the worn out kitchen chairs. Chairs that he and
Mary bought for their five year anniversary. So long ago. So very long ago.
He feels Mary's eyes on him. He
doesn't look at her, her eyes make him feel useless. He walks heavily across
the room to the kitchen door, opens it and feels the sudden, cold gust of the December
wind against his face. He slams the door
behind him and walks out into the yard.
He hears the familiar sound of the school bus rounding the corner.
School is out already? Where has the day gone?
Jonsey, the half deaf Labrador that just
showed up as a pup years ago and ended up staying, comes out from his spot
under the house . The dog walks up to Hollis and then sits solidly on his
haunches staring at his owner.
"Don't you go doing that too.
Why's everyone staring at me all the time like I'm gonna drop dead right here
and now?"
The dog stares at Hollis a second longer.
"I ain't got you nothing to eat, you
mangy dog", Hollis said.
Jonsey cocks his head and then
distractedly starts chewing on his hind leg.
Hollis
reaches down and rubs the dog behind his ears. "You a good ole dog,
Jonsey".
Hollis crosses the expanse of what passes
for a lawn. He stops at the work shed that holds his tools, rakes, hammers,
nails, shovels, and lawnmower. His sanctuary. He pulls the rusted screwdriver
from out of the padlock. He always intended to replace that old rusted out
screwdriver with a proper lock, but never got around to it. Just like he hasn't
gotten around to a lot of things.
He guesses it doesn't matter much
now. What wasn't done won't get done.
And it doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. He swings the shed door wide and
the smell of oil and dirt and gasoline hit his nostrils. All the smells he has
taken for granted. All the smells that have filled him with satisfaction and
comfort. The smells of tinkering and
leaving the world outside whenever he entered the close quarters of the little
shed. A shed he built with his own two hands. Now the support beams standing
sentinel in the middle of the shed are rotting away. Hollis planned to replace
them next summer. Plans, plans. plans. What happened to them?
He sits on the shiny-seated wooden stool
at his workbench. There is a broken lamp shoved to the back. A lamp he had
promised Mary he would fix. But that had been what? Three, four years ago? A
china dog figurine missing its head rests under a thin coating of dust next to
a glass baby food jar filled with various screws. Why did he keep all those
screws? What had he been thinking he could do with them? Could a man ever use
up an entire jar of metal screws in a lifetime? He sweeps his hand across the
table and everything flies off. Glass
shatters, the lamp breaks in two, metal nails bounce off the concrete floor,
the headless dust coated dog skitters and disappears out of sight underneath
the old push lawnmower, the glass jar with the hoarded screws explodes
Hollis puts his head down on the table and tries to think. What can be done?
How can this be fixed? He lifts his head and runs his calloused hand though his
still thick graying hair. None of it makes sense. He can't fix this. Some
things in life are just unfixable, like the lamp or the china dog. He knew when he placed the broken items on
his workbench that he'd never get around to fixing them. He has lied to himself
and to Mary. He can't lie anymore. He can't fix this.
"Inoperable", the doctor said.
Six months to a year. The cancer will eat him away. He will end up like the
china dog. Or the broken lamp. Useless. The cancer will drain his and Mary's
bank account and savings: expensive medicines, medical bills, and in the end,
hospice care. Mary will suffer. She will
suffer no matter which road he chooses, but at least his way will mean that she
won't end up destitute. Having to sell the house, move in with the kids, become
dependent. She's too good of a woman to be reduced to that. His decision is
made. They have worked damned hard al their lives. He won't; let it all be
stolen from them.
He kneels and pulls a metal box from
underneath the workbench. His knees tighten when he tries to stand and he grimaces. He places his weight on one arthritic knee
and pain shoots from it like a knife, but it's a pain that makes him smile,
even as he winches. It is the pain of life.
The metal box is heavier than he
remembers. He places it gently on the
workbench, reaches to his left and pulls a small wooden matchbox from
the rough hewn pinewood shelf. The match
box holds one lone object: a small metal key. He fingers the key and studies it
before slipping it into the keyhole of the metal box., The box clicks at the
turn of the key and the lid pops open, like the Jack-in-the-Box toy lid so many
years ago. Had that toy belonged to
Jenny or Kevin? He can't for the life of him remember, and this angers him. Why
can't he remember?
He picks up the white flannel cloth where
it is nestled in the box, and unrolls it slowly. The gun is heavy. Solid. He
has only ever used it to shoot the occasional rattlesnake that slithered
unknowingly into the yard back, or to target practice on old soup cans down by
the garbage dump. All these years the Ruger has waited. Waited for today. The
reason for its existence. Its link in the chain.
Hollis flicks open the gun's chamber.
It is unloaded, as he knew it would be. He takes the gun apart and oils each
piece almost tenderly, before assembling it into the whole again. His brain is
empty except for the task at hand. His hands work swiftly and surely. When the smell of gun oil is thick and the
air is saturated with a purpose, he loads the gun from a small box of
ammunition that he has kept hidden in his toolbox all these years. Mary gave
him that toolbox twenty Christmases ago.
He rolls the chamber shut. He places the remaining box of ammo inside
the metal box. He locks the box and puts the key inside the match box.
He retrieves the shovel from where it has
leaned against the wall for years untold, and carries everything to a dark
corner of the shed and pulls on his old leather work gloves. This small space is an area that he never got
around to laying slab over. The hard packed dirt has never been disturbed. He pushes the tip of the shovel into the dirt
and leans his weight forward. A clump of rich black soil breaks apart. He digs until a thin sheen of sweat glazes
his brow. He continues to dig the hole deeper and deeper. Jonesey saunters into
the shed, "Not now, old boy", Hollis tells him and the dog curls up
on an old piece of burlap and silently studies his owner.
Finally, the hole is deep enough. Hollis
places the metal box and the wooden matchbox into the deep recesses of the hole
and shovels the dirt back into place. When the hole is filled in and the dirt
packed hard with the flat end of the shovel, Hollis rolls an old metal barrel
over the fresh grave-like area. He frowns at his handiwork and then piles musty
paint flicked bed sheets in front of the barrel. That will have to do. He places the shovel back in its usual place.
Hollis's thoughts are tunnel focused
on the job at hand. He sits at the bench
and picks the gun up from where it has
been waiting. The metal is still cold.
Before Hollis can change his mind, he brings the gun to his lips, kisses
the oil licked steel, then just as quickly he levels the gun barrel against the
right side of his head.
But before his finger can press back
on the trigger, he feels his chest seize. It's like a fist has grabbed him from
the inside. The pain is unbelievable in its ferocity and suddenness. The gun
falls from Holiss's hand. He feels the
world shift and he is falling. His head smacks against the dirt floor and he
thinks, "This is strange". Then he is face down on the floor, staring
at the gun where it has fallen, not six inches from his nose, and his chest is
exploding into sharp wave after sharp wave.
Jonsey walks over and cocks his head in a
kind of doggie perplexity. Then Jonesey
bends and runs his wet tongue over Hollis's face. Another fist grabs Hollis in
the chest and he loses his breathe as the pain clenches at him again. It
subsides a bit and Hollis opens his eyes and sees Jonsey staring at him.
"Worthless old dog" , he whispers.
The beast in his chest shifts into
another wave and Hollis laughs. Talk about irony. With every bit of energy left
in his spasming body he shoves the gun with such force that it spins and
disappears under the workbench with the cobwebs and the forgotten dropped
nails. Everything is shifting into a gray fog. So, this is how it ends? He thinks. Not with a bang, but a whimper.
Who wrote that? But this isn't the long protracted whimper he has feared.
He smiles. He has beat it after all. His chest explodes one last time, His
breathe stops, his eyes glaze over.
Jonsey lays his head on Hollis's still body and waits.
