Betrayal is a dark monster that we all face during the course of our lives. For some people the lessons of betrayal come early and hard, for others, they arrive late in life and are more palpable to digest or not. The large betrayals that can shape a human early in life are those of an infant when its cries of hunger aren’t answered and the biological body itself is impacted. The betrayal a child feels when a caregiver is neglectful and the child internalizes the lack of hugs, love, respect, and attention as a sign that they are damaged and undeserving; the betrayal of a child beaten and abused; the betrayal of a child who has to navigate through life with no guidance. Those are betrayals that shape a psyche and have life-long impacts on a person’s ability to trust, love, and experience emotions in a healthy way.
Then there are the betrayals we all experience. The betrayal when a child discovers the lie of Santa Clause, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny; the betrayal of unrequited love in our teen years; the betrayal that comes with realizing in young adulthood that parents are not infallible or all-knowing.
The betrayals I have experienced in life are unique to me and different from anyone else’s. So are everyone’s. Some betrayals seem to be created personally for each of us. They can be similar, but since we come to life with a perspective that is formed by our individual life experiences, the betrayals are built on how have we process other betrayals, and those processes are internalized with a variety of impacts, and those further impact who I am, how I believe, my morals and values, my emotional triggers, my ability to empathize, and how I relate to the world and move through the world. In other words, the snake begins to eat the snake. I can’t untangle my past betrayals and the coping mechanisms I have put into place from how I deal with current and future betrayals.
The betrayal of trusting a man to love me, and then the love turning into a weapon used to control. Being convinced that I deserve physical abuse because I “made” him do it. Later, in my 30s, being convinced that that I am “rebellious” so I must be fixed. Being convinced that no one else will ever love me. Being convinced that I made him punch the wall and that I am responsible for his anger because I moved his pen. Then one day, feeling myself awaken slowly as I enter my 4th decade. Waking as if from a nightmare, and choosing for the first time to take back control, and having my eyes peeled opened to how very badly I have allowed myself to be used and betrayed. The betrayal of self to self is the worst betrayal of all.
Betrayal of close family has been
the second worst. Discovering that the most trusted of family members was a sexual abuser, and was, in fact, grooming a young girl in the family for
years. Feeling that I should have known. I should have seen. Then the betrayal
of being told that I must stay silent for the “family’s sake.” Being convinced
that if I spoke up, an innocent family member in the throes of worsening health
could be hurt. But also knowing that if I didn’t speak up that an innocent
victim would be further hurt. Having that choice thrust onto me was one of the
most heartbreaking betrayals in my life because it caused me to betray myself
and my own values once again, and in betraying myself again, another family
member was abused six years later. Another enormous harm that could have been
avoided if I had spoken up and had I dismissed people who instructed me to keep
quiet.
When I finally spoke up after the second victim, extended family members either didn’t believe me, brushed it off as the victims’ fault, or pretended to have not heard me and continued taking vulnerable children in the presence of the two abusers. I am now left with a much smaller circle of family; a damaged broken family that will never be put back together again because I have cut them from my life. A sibling gone as if dead or never existed, a sister-in-law gone, one nephew once loved now abhorred, another nephew cast adrift, one mother/daughter relationship that has been damaged and barely limps along, another mother/daughter relationship weakened, cousins forever gone, one of my own grown children suspicious and unbelieving. And I have had to come to terms with the many facets of betrayals, my own and others, that led to that family brokenness and my responsibility in it all. To this day, the abusers walk through life not taking any responsibility. There have been few concrete consequences for them. They have been absolved by the very nature of their gender, their otherwise picture-perfect smoke and mirrors lives, and family members who pretend it never happened and never speak of the crimes. Both abusers are covered under a shroud of lies and deceit and a river named denial. How heavy that must be. I can only imagine. Shrouds that lay soft as gauze have a tendency, over time, to tighten like a noose though.
As for me, the only one that I can
control? I have to forgive myself, but I don’t know if that’s possible. Life is
for learning and it has a habit of giving the tests first and the lessons
second, and that can crush a soul and the sense of self. I have learned from my ultimate betrayal to
myself and my betrayal to those I should have protected, to NEVER trade values
or the truth for someone else’s selfish needs or demands. Right
is right, wrong is wrong, and truth is truth. I’ll die on that that hill.
In fact, that can be carved into my tombstone when the time comes.
Those are all personal betrayals,
but betrayal can be part of a whole macrocosm unto itself in government, society,
education, and the social contract. Of course the government and social
contract overlap in many ways. Tax revenue is paid by citizens, and that tax
revenue is supposed to, under the social contract, be used for the betterment
and support of infrastructure, services, healthcare, education, and safety.
That social contract has recently been impacted severely by cuts and/or the total
dismantlement of the following agencies by the Trump administration: U.S Agency for International Development
(USAID), Department of Education (DOE), Minority Business Development Agency
(MBDA), Institute of Museum and Library Services (IMLS), Department of Energy
(DOE), Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD), Voice of America (U.S
Agency for Global Media), National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration
(NOAA), Environmental Protection Agency (EPA), the Department of Veterans
Affairs(VA), and other necessary agencies.
The American people are in the process of being betrayed by the very leaders they elected to keep our country functioning, and most people don’t even realize yet that they have been betrayed. When the consequences of the broken social contract finally trickle down to the American working people and they realize the magnitude to which they’ve been betrayed, there is going to be reckoning as well as a reassessment of the trust and power we so willingly place in the hands of our leaders. I don’t think the USA will ever be the same again. Will it be better or worse? At this point, I believe it’s a toss of the coin and depends on the willingness or unwillingness of people to take their civic responsibilities more seriously and the willingness or unwillingness of people to read, stay informed, and mitigate their dependence on social media algorithms to shape or support their beliefs. The fallout from betrayal can strengthen or weaken a person or a nation. We will either collectively learn and accept responsibility and enact responsible change, or we will collectively find a convenient scapegoat to blame and then drive our democracy deeper into the greedy hands of oligarchy.
A change is a ‘coming, all
right. And the snake of betrayal that eats its own tail will be the destroyer
or the savior of the United States of America. When the time comes, we can can carve onto our nation's tombstone
or write with ink onto our new promises that Right is right, wrong is wrong, and truth is truth. It's our choice.
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