Totally Random Things I have Learned in Fifty-One Years..

Today is my fifty-first birthday. Seems like a lifetime ago since I was in my teens, but then again it feels like the passage of a few minutes. I have learned a few important things in my fifty-one years of living that I am going to pass on to you. You can thank me later by mailing me copious amounts of chocolate, but only milk chocolate. I don't like that dark chocolate crap.

1. If you don't rinse the glasses well when you wash them the soap will give you diarrhea.

2. It is possible for a child to insert a peanut up their nose and for the parents of said child to be oblivious..

3. Children will believe anything you tell them, including there is a blue monster who lives under the house who will eat them alive if they ask for one glass of water at bedtime; eating Halloween candy will cause them to turn into creepy crawly roaches, so they must give all the candy to the closest adult: me;  McDonald's Happy Meals will make a person explode (I think that one is true..); and if they run in the house they will fall down, hurt themselves, and adults will laugh at them (also true..).

4.  You will always run out of toilet paper at an inconvenient time.

5. If someone tells you, "No problem", run like hell because there are going to be plenty of problems.

6. Everything that tastes good will make you fat and then make you die.

7.  It is not possible to sing all the lyrics correctly to any Elton John song.

8. Do not watch a movie about a plane crash within four weeks of boarding an airplane because you will HAVE to take a Xanax to be able to stay in your seat and not scream hysterically every time the pilot hits an air pocket.

9.  People say stupid shit all the time. Live with it.

10. If you think the milk has gone bad, ask someone else to taste test it.

11.  It is easier to forgive your spouse when you are just too sleepy to argue anymore.

12.  It is a bad idea to drink red wine and do shots of tequila in the same night.

13.  If you live long enough you WILL wake up one morning and think, "Why in the hell does my body hurt? I didn't do anything but sleep last night".

14.  If you are bleeding, something might be wrong.

15.  Wine is an essential food group.

16. Do not put out the good wine at a party, just the crappy stuff that you wouldn't drink under any circumstances, or you will be left with no wine. Hide the good stuff.

17.  Sexual song lyrics are more easily processed and understood by people over forty-years-old for some reason. In the seventies, I didn't know Donna Summer was singing about THAT.

18.  If you ever run out of gas and have to walk ten miles to the nearest convenience store you will never run out of gas again as long as you live. Only takes one time to know that running out of gas is not fun. I get nervous if my tank gets below three quarters full.

19.  Physical lust doesn't last, so always pick the most educated man in the room.  Brain lust does last.

20.  There is a point where you need to admit that you have had one cup of coffee too many and you need to STOP drinking it now!

21. Our parents become more important to us the older we become.. and the memories of our growing up years and all the stupid shit we did are what make family reunions interesting.

22. Do not bypass a rest stop if you have to pee while driving long distances.

23. It is much more fun being a grandparent than a parent.

24. Eavesdropping on others is fun and informative

25.  Always have one good friend who you can make fun of other people with.

26. Don't end sentences in prepositions unless you just absolutely can't help it.