The Beat Goes On...and I'm a Hard Nosed Bitch.

Xmas 2011

Dad had a difficult time yesterday when mom phoned him at the V.A and tried to talk to him. He kept telling her to come get him.  It upset mom because she couldn’t make him understand that she would be there to get him in 12 more days. Time, for my father, has no concept or meaning anymore.

I phoned the V.A this morning to check on dad and the nurse said he was agitated this morning, but at the moment he was sitting at a table, smiling, and seemingly talking with one of the other vets. She said he has been asking about mom and she tried to explain to him when mom would be back, but he wasn’t processing the information. I asked the nurse, the next time he asks, to tell him that mom would be there to get him in twelve more wakeups. I am going to make a chart today that  the nurse can hang by his bed and cross the days off so dad will have a visual.  I don’t know if it will work. I am just trying to pull out ideas from my teacher bag of tricks. And we all know that teacher tricks sometimes work, and sometimes they don’t.

I am turning into a hard nosed bitch over all of this. My only concern is protecting my mother and father. I might have been (well, I was) rude and callous to someone on the phone at mom’s yesterday. I just couldn’t deal with trying to comfort someone who has never shown one iota of interest in my father until yesterday, and then this person had the audacity to  phone me, crying, searching for me to comfort them. It unleashed my inner bitch. Before all of this is over I am going to piss off a few people, but I can’t seem to find the compassion within myself to even care too much about that. I accept it. I embrace it.  

I am having to be pragmatic, and some people may interpret that as coldness on my part, however I keep remembering a day back in 2000 when I was facing an awful time in my life (due to my own  poor choices). That was before I developed a symbolic spine. Dad came to my house. I was crying and very upset, and the person who had caused my pain was in the next room. Dad walked over to me, put his face inches from mine drill instructor style, and between clenched teeth he ordered, “Don’t cry”. His eyes stared full into mine and I got the message: I must not allow the person who hurt me to see my pain. If I must cry then I do it later. Dad could be as pragmatic as I now can be. Dad could assess situations and allow his emotions to be placed temporarily on the back burner. I guess I have a lot of my dad in me..

I leave for Abu Dhabi in about nine weeks. I have to be able to hand dad over to my brother and feel comfortable with it.  My brother is not as pragmatic as I am. His heart is too big and he lives moment to moment, pulling inexplicables out of a bag that seems to have no bottom. If I tried to live that way it would all blow up in my face. For him, it works.  I sure wish dad had listened to mom and they would have had one more child. My brother and I need a spare sibling right about now. My brother will do a good job; the only issue is that he won’t be able  to just drop in on mom and dad because he lives two hours away. He won’t be involved in the day to day happenings or be available to mom for a quick hug.  Some people, when they hear I am going to Abu Dhabi to teach ask, “How can you leave your mom right now?”, while others reassure me that I must grab this once in a lifetime opportunity. I am torn, I admit. If I stay, I will have  regrets. If I go I will have regrets. I have had to weigh which regrets will be easier to live with.  My husband tells me to go. He tells me that everyone deserves to realize at least one big dream in their lifetime. And I will go, but it will be one of the hardest things I have ever done.